I’ve always believed that I can create the life I want and the life I don’t want. Everything happens the way it’s supposed to. No matter what, there is always a lesson with everything. I am a believer in the idea of thoughts becoming things. I know how quickly a negative thought can ruin a day or how if someone with an attitude enters a room full of people, that negativity will spread like wildfire. It’s almost instanteous just how fast it moves and before you know it, you have an attitude. I hate that, by the way and if there is someone I know that 85, 90% negative, I avoid them as much as possible. I can’t be surrounded by that negative energy.
When The Secret by Rhonda Byrne first came out back in 2006, I remember hearing about it but didn’t actually watch the film version until 2013. Up until then, I never heard the phrase ‘law of attraction’. After I watched the film, I thought ok -this is what I’ve been doing on a small scale. When you focus on something, good or bad, it will happen. Maybe not today or tomorrow but it can possibly happen. Mind over matter. It works and I really think it does.
Because I felt so strongly about this, I thought why not apply this to wanting a child. I prayed about it. I saged my surroundings for it. I clicked my heels, thanked him twice and sprinkled glitter over my shoulder instead of salt. I meditated and my mantra was “I cannot wait to hold my child in my arms. My body can create a child. I am capable of carrying a child full term. I am a mother. I am a mother. I AM a mother.” They say speak it in the present tense. Start statements with I AM. The Universe knows the now, not yesterday or tomorrow but now. I did all of that. After getting the countless dreaded negative pregnancy tests, I would try my hardest to stay positive. I would always say to my husband (and myself), let’s find the lesson in this. Why didn’t I get pregnant this time? USUALLY I could find a good reason. Money was getting tighter. My health wasn’t too great. I needed to focus on family or school. It was always something and I would say ok next time.
After the first couple of years, though, hope would dwindle and I was slipping into that depression lake of WHYs. Why is this happening? I’m doing everything I can to stay positive. I’m reading the books. I’m meditating. At work, I’m surrounded by pregnant women so I’m literally surrounded by baby dust. I’m working out. I’ve changed my eating habits. We found a house with enough space for a family. We bought a family size car. We hung out with couples with kids. What are we doing wrong?
My doctor: Are you sure you’re having sex at the right time?
Me: What does timing have to do with this? The Universe is going to make this happen.
A couple more years go by and I’m really depressed. Law of Attraction and manifesting what you want is working for EVERYTHING ELSE except a child. Then I started thinking manifestion and science do not mix. It doesn’t matter what I do -if we don’t have sex at the right time on the right day of the month in the right position, we will not get pregnant.
WTF Universe? Now what?? That’s not what the book said! That’s not what everyone says. They say focus on being a mother and surround yourself with what you want and it will come. I felt cheated and betrayed because I thought I was doing what I was supposed on all fronts. Then one day I thought it’s not meant to be. What did I always say -everything happens for a reason. It hasn’t happened because it’s not supposed to. The moment I grasp that idea, my life will move on. Soon after that, everything trickled down. I lost my job, health insurance, car, and then the house. I lost all of it in a span of nine months ironically. I thought to myself ok there has to be a lesson in here. It has to. Not just about TTC but life in general. Eight months after I lost my house, I got pregnant. I don’t know if it was because we lost everything . I don’t know if it was because I decided that I didn’t want to be a mother anymore. I don’t know if we finally got the timing right and found the right second of the day to get down. I’m not telling you that you have to lose everything or life needs to be turned completely upside down. The lesson for me was that things needed to be in place before it happened. I thought I did that by getting the house and car. I looked the role and thought I would just step right in. As much as I thought everything was in place -it wasn’t. What if I would have been pregnant and then lost the house? I would have been the height of depression. In the TTC journey, I will not say everything happens for a reason. Instead, I say pay attention to your thoughts and surroundings. Try your hardest to look at the big picture and focus on you. Ironically enough, this is what I’m telling myself now as we have been trying for two years to have another child.
SN: I think I know what the issue is. I just don’t want to admit it.
To all my fellow people in the TTC tribe, I’m sending you love and peace and positivity. I know it’s hard. It sucks and you are not alone. I would never wish this journey, these lessons, this path on anyone. I love you guys. Until next time….