When I was younger, I wanted to do everything. I wanted to be a triple threat: singer, dancer and model. I was told real quick that modeling wouldn’t be my thing. Not because I didn’t look decent but that I was short. I pressed on with singing and dancing. I sang all through high school every chance I got. I made up my own choreography to music and danced all the time. When I hit my 20s, both of those dreams seemed to fade away. I was alright but not great and with both, you needed to be great. If I had really been paying attention, though, I would have realized that my true talent was writing. I have been writing in diaries and journals since as far back as I can remember. I would say at least 5th or 6th grade and constantly wrote until in my early 20s and I must have at least 150 diaries. I wrote down everything -dreams and fantasies, crushes and loves, heartbreaks, fights, happy thoughts, not so happy thoughts. I truly wrote down everything. Yes -I had a lot to say. Then after awhile, I found an online diary that I would, again, write down everything that bothered my world and life and that was that. I honestly do not know why but around the end of last month, I decided that I needed to focus on my writing and healing. I know -weird combo. I ended up buying two journals -one for the car and one for my bedroom. I wanted to be able to write down everything just like before. That way I wouldn’t miss any Aha! Moments or story/blog ideas or if I just need a quick venting session, there they were, ready for me to write them.
When I made the decision to work on healing myself, I honestly did not have any idea how to do it. It wasn’t like I could take a magic pill and everything would be okay and all of the bad memories of my past would fade away. When researching on ways to heal and forgive and let go, I found that no matter how you do it, you have to let it all out if you’re going to truly let it go. You can let it go creatively through art or music. You can exercise and work it out so to speak. I found a place here in Indianapolis where you can actually break things and scream it out. I considered doing that because I hold so much in so breaking things and screaming just seems like it would be helpful in the long run. I ended up choosing to write a letter to what consciously and subconsciously affected my life. I have been writing down everything that has affected my psyche and well-being and I plan on burning the letters. When I started writing, old memories came to the forefront. I remembered what it felt when I was cheating on and finding out through someone I rarely spoke to. I remembered when I was told by my boyfriend at the time that I was too stupid to have a child so if I got pregnant, I would have no choice but to abort it. I remembered crying to my mother about this boy I had a huge crush on. By today’s standards, I was obsessed but I just thought I really liked him. I remember when he said in front of all of his friends and my friends ‘You are way too dark for anyone to like you. Have you thought about bleaching yourself white?’ Then the tears started rolling and anger started growing and the even deeper memories came up. I wrote and wrote. I wrote to the point where I ended having letters by years. Last night, I ended with six piles of letters-1994, 1997, 2001, 2004, 2011, and 2015.
2015 was the hardest year of my life and I am finally able to forgive myself for everything that happened that year. I blamed myself for losing our house, car and my job. Everything has worked ten fold but I still was holding onto it. So when I decided to focus on my healing, I made sure that I dealt everything of 2015. This Sunday, the last day of September, I plan on taking these letters and burning them in the backyard. Once all of them have crumbled into tiny little pieces, I will meditate, thank the Universe for this opportunity of forgiveness and will let it all go. I know that healing is a daily job and I will make sure to keep it going but I know this is a start.
If you’re going through this journey with me, I wish you much love and peace. Healing and forgiveness is such a deep and complex path that it’s taken me years to even take the first step. If you have or trying to, I applaud you. We got this! Until next time, my people.