TTC: Through His Eyes

IMG_20170715_225350_763As the husband of Green Loc’d Momster, I have an understanding of what my wife had gone through with the struggle of TTC with our son. I know that there are some aspects of it that I can never understand since I am not a woman going through it. I know that there are some things that she has not told me and is not telling me as we go through it again.

I cannot imagine the heartbreak, pain, and agony of being a woman that wants to have a child only to try again and again without a positive result. But you are not alone. As a man that only wanted to be a good husband, son, brother, man, and father, I understand the feeling of despair when you try so hard for something, just to end up not having it. As you all know already, we had tried for 4 yrs to have our first son, only to have issues again now trying to have another child.

I do know that as a husband my job is to take care of my wife and nothing hurts more than knowing that she is hurting, especially when your wife is such a strong person.  I saw her looking at all of the pregnant women around her and have a smile on her face when deep down in her heart she was dying inside.

I had the same questions as you- is it me? is it her? why do people who do not want children pop them out like a Pez dispenser? should we keep going or give up? why is it so damn hard? I am pretty sure that the men in your lives are feeling the same way. Men are supposed to be mentally strong, right? Well for some reason, I do not fit that description. Sometimes think that I am more emotional than my wife. I used to daydream of playing with my son, watching and teaching him everything there is to know about Star Wars and teaching him about being a child of the universe. This was all during our time of TTC. I remember crying because my son will never get to meet his grandfather, and great-grandparents because they have all passed. I remember when my mother would say that you are not ready for a child, as we were TTC (she did not know that we were). That all hurt my heart. I’m sure my wife told you about how I found out how she was pregnant, but if not I’ll tell you quickly…

My wife tested herself the day before but had not had a chance to tell me. The next morning we wake up to a call from my sister that my mother passed away at a summer camp where she and my sister were staying for the summer. I had quit smoking months before. My sister told me to come down there quickly, it was not looking good. (I had a feeling that she had already passed before my sister called, which she did, but my sister did not want to tell me over the phone). It was an hour away, so I had to get gas and got some cigarettes. As I was doing 90 on the highway and chain-smoking, I noticed that my wife was covering her mouth, I know she does not like cigarette smoke but I thought that was weird due to the circumstances. So after finding out about how my passed, seeing her and waiting for my brother to come from out of town as well to see mom, we head back home. I’m still smoking and she is covering her mouth. we go to dinner and she her stomach hurt and that she did not want a shake, which again is out of character for her. She said that her stomach hurt and I looked at her jokingly and said that, ” What, are you pregnant?”, she looked shocked, happy and sad. She started to cry. She said that she did not want to say anything since my mom just passed. I was so happy. A day that was sad and turned happy, in a bittersweet kind of way.

Yep, that was the short version. LOL! It still hurts to this day, that my son will not ever meet my mother here on earth, but I know when they meet on the other side, she will have the biggest smile on her face.

20170521_103229As we go through another round of TTC, it still sucks, but I know what patience, endurance and love will produce when God/Kami blesses us. To my wife,  I love you and will be taking every step of this with you side by side. I love you.

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