Whew August went quick! I can happily say that my focus in August on self care was a success. I meditated more than I have been. I did some yoga -more than I have been. I got a mani and pedi which I haven’t done in seven years!! I studied holistic healing through foods and meditation. I researched on healing crystals and essential oils. I met a few new people via social media. I think I accomplished my goals. I will definitely continue with all of this because I want to be more conscious about what I put in my body, my mind and making a point to take better care of myself.
So September, what lies before me? Forgiveness and healing of myself. I think the reason why it’s so hard to let go of our past and holding onto regrets is because we can’t believe that we knowingly made a decision to do something we knew wasn’t right, still did it, and will mentally berate ourselves for doing so. The truth is we’re human and we won’t know anything or learn anything without trying it. We can watch someone go through something terrible and some of us will do it just to see if we get the same result. I know there have been plenty of times where I’ve said to myself Cassandra you are smarter than this. You know better. Why did you do that? Usually my off the cuff decisions were because I wanted to do something new outside of myself. I used to hate receiving the same compliments from people -Cute, quiet, good girl, would never do this or that. I heard boring, not sexy, not fun, just NOT so that would cloud my judgment and I would do things I normally wouldn’t. I don’t regret any of it anymore because I’ve had some pretty deep smack-in-the-face Aha moments so I appreciate those moments. I’m thankful that I can say ‘Thanks for the experience’ and take the lessons.
I had to think about some things that has plagued for years as a child to an adult. I went through several diaries that I had and these are what kept coming up in my venting.
I forgive myself for believing the lie that I’m not beautiful. I forgive myself for believing that there is something wrong with enjoying time by myself. I forgive myself for believing that I wasn’t good enough or woman enough or black enough. I forgive myself for ever letting the thought creep in my head that I was only meant to work and to survive.
That last one is the one that I am chipping away at daily! Life should not only be working a 9 to 5 and surviving from paycheck to paycheck. Working has been consistent in my life since I was 14. I keep telling people I’m tired. I’m ready to RETIRE but to society’s standards, I have to work another 30 years to retire. I forgive myself for falling for that hype. Yes I still have to work but I can have fun and smile and not dread the grind and actually enjoy what I’ve been working so hard towards. I forgive myself for feeling this way and now it’s time to work on healing.