When you and your spouse make the decision to have a baby, you’re in a happy place. You read all the books. You find an app you like to track all of your body’s symptoms. You buy some prenatal vitamins, try to eat healthier and think alright this is the month. Negative result. Okay, no problem. It’s all good. We’ll do everything again. Month two -negative result. You’re still feeling okay because it’s only been two months. You got this. Month three -negative. Month four -negative. You begin to think this is a little harder than you expected but you’re fine. Month five and six -negative results. Meanwhile your cousin just announced she’s having twins. Great news and everybody’s excited. You’re excited too because you feel like month seven is it. This is the time.
It’s now been a year. You thought you were pregnant in month nine but it was a no go. When you reached the year mark, you decide to find a doctor. Surely someone who has gone to school for years and years can medically figure out why you haven’t been able to get pregnant yet. You and your spouse get tested for any and everything. Doctor says you both are fine but let’s give your body a boost with some fertility medications. You’re back in your happy place. This has to work. You’re taking medications, you’ve lost weight, you pretty know all the TTC terms now and you’re speaking the language. You have high hopes.
You now have reached a year and a half. Holidays now bother you. Friends and family have stopped asking about the journey because they know your answer. More pregnancy announcements pop up at work, particularly from a coworker you don’t like so you’re even more salty about it. The tension between you and your spouse is getting thicker because the (silent) blame game has begun. (At least in my house, it did.)
It’s now been four years. You’re tired, you’re ready to give up and get off this TTC rollercoaster. You’re tired of trying while keeping a smile on your face. You’re tired of wondering if it’s ever going to happen. You’re tired of seeing other people get the miracle that you so long for. You are tired. The worst part about the TTC journey is no matter what you do, no matter how healthy you are and how much you exercise, no matter how much you pray or think about it or wish upon a star, it literally depends on the right day at the right time. If you didn’t test that morning to find out if you’re ovulating or if you had sex a day late, it’s back to square one all over again. I can tell you that in my entire life, this journey has been the hardest. It’s the one that has tested my beliefs, my strength, my marriage, and my heart. Now that we’re going through this again, it’s like do I want to do this again. I keep asking myself this and yet we keep trying. This TTC rollercoaster is something else. Peace and love my people.