Quiet is so hard to find when the world is so loud. It’s even louder when your mind is constantly full of thoughts with bullet points and side comments. I can remember many times where I was thinking so much and so loud in my brain, I honestly felt that people could hear it. So one day I was reading about ways to relax and calm the brain and came across meditating. I’ve heard about meditating but always thought that in order to meditate, I would need the perfect setting, the perfect mindset and somehow the spirit gods would zone in on me and create this zen lighted moment. Yes I watched a lot of movies. So I never tried. Not really. I thought I was but I was just sitting there thinking about when should I get up and eat something. I know -my focus was definitely jaded.
It wasn’t until I was 30 and sitting thinking about life like I always do. I was thinking about this TTC journey and how it was affecting our marriage. I was thinking about toxic friendships and how they even got to that point. I was thinking about family. I was thinking about my job and how I wasn’t happy there. You know -the usual seven tabs were open. I then turned on some music, closed my eyes and tried as gracefully as I could to X out of the tabs. One by one, I said to myself this can wait. This can wait. You are ok. This can wait. I started to visualize the tabs slowly going away as I was clearing my mind. I will admit it took some time. After one would go away, another one popped up. That damn BILLS tab would not let up! It was frustrating but I would focus on my breathing while I listened to the music and continued to say this can wait. This can wait. You are ok. This can wait. I felt my heart rate going at a steady pace. I realized that I wasn’t seeing the tabs or hearing my loud thoughts but ocean waves crashing. I was visualizing all my negativity floating away and leaving me be. I, very delicately, put all of my attention on these thoughts. I say delicately because I know me. My mind would have easily taken me to the left and all of the negative thoughts would have washed up on the shore. (Can you tell I need a vacation?) Plus I didn’t want to focus so hard that I wasn’t relaxed.
I sat and meditated and out of nowhere, I felt tranquility come over me. My whole body tingled and I felt the rush of cool air. I continued my breathing. I kept saying my mantra. (By this time, I noticed that I was silently chanting. I know -it came out of nowhere.) I kept seeing the ocean waves and thought everything is going to be alright. A minute or two later, the meditation music shut off. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. A whole hour had passed and I didn’t even know it. I was so engrossed in feeling positive vibes and reminding myself how everything was going to work that I didn’t even notice what time it was. I took in one more good breath and let it all out. With that exhale, I felt assurance and affirmation that things were going to work. I just had to quiet the brain to hear what I needed to hear.
That is what meditation does for me. It allows me to think, not worry. It allows me to smile; not grit my teeth. It allows me to breathe; not suffocate. It allows me to be present instead of thinking about yesterday or tomorrow. I will definitely encourage Xavier and future children to meditate because sometimes being angry can change the entire landscape of emotions and I hope that he will find his way through all the BS. Meditation, for me, is more than a practice. Meditation has taught me more than anything to be patient and understanding of the present moment.
What are some things you do to calm the brain? Share the love mamas!