The Road Just Got Harder

I told you that I would be honest and open. I will give a TMI warning but we’re human. I’m sure none of what I’ve written or will write will shock you. The past two weeks were my ‘two week wait’ before finding out if you’re either pregnant or not. This two weeks for me were different from the last few months. I was getting indigestion like crazy and I normally don’t. I was exhausted by 9a and doing everything in my power from falling asleep at my desk. My appetite was up and down. I was team Bloatedness everyday from the moment I woke up in the morning. The biggest symptom that I had -my breasts. It had been very painful this week. Last week, it was off and on but this week, every day all day boobs were sore, tender to the touch and rock hard. I’ve only experienced that two other times in my life -when I found out I was pregnant and my first day back at work after maternity leave and I hadn’t pumped in four hours. So all of this going on and I am screaming to myself -Do not look up early pregnancy symptoms! Do not mention the ‘I think I might be’ idea to any family or friends or husband. Do not get your hopes up because you have been down this road before. I was good, very proud of myself. I even took my own advice re: the two week wait. I found some projects around the house, kept myself busy -I did all of that up until a few days ago. The more symptoms I was getting, the more I just knew. I kept saying this is it. I’m pregnant. Xavier is going to have a sibling. This is it. I even ordered a pregnancy announcement shirt for me and a onesie for him. Damn it -I did that.

Well, the Universe and Mother Nature decided to meet today and play the ‘Not Yet’ game because guess who decided to show up. She not only showed up but she showed up early. I wasn’t expecting company at all but because there was a slight chance she was coming, I was preparing for next week. But no–she came on this morning with a big HELLO THERE. I called my doctor and told them the great news and they suggested that we officially try a fertility doctor and start thinking about IUI or IVF. They suggested two places, chuckled and said have a good day. I honestly don’t know what to think about that. I know from other women I’ve talked to who have actually done both, it’s not a quick decision to make. So much is involved with it and on top of that, it’s expensive! It’s a decision where we need to look at everything. Part of me is like just be happy with what you have. You finally have a child. Why aren’t you happy? It’s not that I’m not happy. I love my SUN more than anything in life. Am I wrong for wanting one more? Should we stop trying? I am so scattered right now that I hoped writing this would calm my mind now. It didn’t but at least, it’s all one page instead 50 thousand tabs. I do only have one more thing to say though.

Dear Body, Please stop with the period symptoms that are SO close to pregnancy symptoms. Just stop it. It does neither one of us any good when you can’t make up your mind. I’m not saying don’t be you. Do you boo. I am trying to learn and respect your process. I trust the process but when you change up the verbiage halfway through, I get confused. I hate being confused. Sincerely My Brain (who is pissed because they fell for the Heart’s sappy talk) and My Heart.

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